One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
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I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
WWE is French for “yes”