Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
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Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.