“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
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Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Discuss
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Not even remotely sorry.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups