I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
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Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.