sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I’m giving up for Lent.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Erm…
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity