ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
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*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.