“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
You Might Also Like
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.