If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
You Might Also Like
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Well, this explains it:
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
#SCOTUS one-star review
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Otters see a butterfly.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”