Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
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Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I am patiently waiting for your email
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.