Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
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[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances