“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
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Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I drew y’all a little something.