[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
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My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?