It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
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“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
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[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears