Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
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You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.