I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
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Thanks to a fan for this one.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Is your wife single?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
oh you like architecture? name three walls
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.