@SuperApple80: 1.) Win the lottery
2.) Fill a swimming pool with Diet Coke
3.) Hire people to throw Mentos in there the whole time I swam
@SuperApple80: [sees a beached whale]
Friend: (obviously an idiot) That’s awful. I wonder if it became navigationally disoriented or got sick.
Me: (an undisputed genius and biology scholar) It probably self-identified as a land creature and therefore must live its truth.
ME: Awww, look at that cute little platypus on TV.
KID: No. It’s a DUCK-BILLED platypus.
ME: *pulls him in close by his shirt* as opposed to all the other types of platypuses, you little shit?
@SuperApple80: It’s like my kid challenging me to this pillow fight doesn’t realize I’ll swing for the fences.
@SuperApple80: I don’t mean to brag but I don’t have to stare at my phone to walk into things.
@SuperApple80: I deserve an Academy Award for the way I just searched the fridge with my son for his leftovers that I definitely ate.
@SuperApple80: The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.