Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SuperApple80's best tweets

@SuperApple80 : Legend states of the time Tom Hanks cropdusted a toddler at Target and whispered in his ear “it’s my word against yours, you little shit.”

@SuperApple80: No Botox for me, thanks. I just keep getting fatter to fill out the wrinkles.

@SuperApple80: yeah breakups hurt but have you ever tagged someone on a meme and they reply back “I already saw this”

@SuperApple80: Crazy how 15 years of math still wasn’t enough to prepare me for baking two boxes of brownies at once.

@SuperApple80: Hair dresser: So how do you normally style your hair at home?
Me: *just laughing until it hurts*

@SuperApple80: Keep me in your prayers. My daughter just found her old recorder.

@SuperApple80: Jesus Christ, you’re absolutely insane. Wanna be friends so I look like a better person?

@SuperApple80: My son is currently eating Spaghettios with chopsticks and that’s not even the weirdest thing he’s done all day.

@SuperApple80: 1.) Win the lottery
2.) Fill a swimming pool with Diet Coke
3.) Hire people to throw Mentos in there the whole time I swam

@SuperApple80: [sees a beached whale]

Friend: (obviously an idiot) That’s awful. I wonder if it became navigationally disoriented or got sick.

Me: (an undisputed genius and biology scholar) It probably self-identified as a land creature and therefore must live its truth.