Funny Tweeter

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Page of SuperApple80's best tweets

@SuperApple80 : My son is currently eating Spaghettios with chopsticks and that’s not even the weirdest thing he’s done all day.

@SuperApple80: 1.) Win the lottery
2.) Fill a swimming pool with Diet Coke
3.) Hire people to throw Mentos in there the whole time I swam

@SuperApple80: [sees a beached whale]

Friend: (obviously an idiot) That’s awful. I wonder if it became navigationally disoriented or got sick.

Me: (an undisputed genius and biology scholar) It probably self-identified as a land creature and therefore must live its truth.

@SuperApple80: [babysitting]

ME: Awww, look at that cute little platypus on TV.

KID: No. It’s a DUCK-BILLED platypus.

ME: *pulls him in close by his shirt* as opposed to all the other types of platypuses, you little shit?

@SuperApple80: HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT TO KNOW IF YOU REALLY PLAN ON WEARING THAT

@SuperApple80: It’s like my kid challenging me to this pillow fight doesn’t realize I’ll swing for the fences.

@SuperApple80: I don’t mean to brag but I don’t have to stare at my phone to walk into things.

@SuperApple80: 10: Mom, is Chuck Norris a real person or a myth?
Me: Yes.

@SuperApple80: I deserve an Academy Award for the way I just searched the fridge with my son for his leftovers that I definitely ate.

@SuperApple80: The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.