thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
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[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.