These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.