I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
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When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn鈥檛 work because the instructions were missing.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
GF: I think he鈥檚 gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
We鈥檙e starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you鈥檇 stop complaining about the stubble.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 馃槷 hampire
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 馃檨
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it鈥檚 apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe