Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
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I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.