doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
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Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*