Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
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ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks