Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
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[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
omg leave her alone
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy