Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
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Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
My life in a nutshell
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
How do you like your Corgi?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.