If you want my opinion ask my wife
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*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
subtitles are so good nowadays
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.