It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
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[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Rambo Rambow
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
yeet
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant