4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
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If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.