the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
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Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh