optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
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It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.