My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
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I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points