First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
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*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Sunday
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?