Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
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Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Are we there yet?…
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!