detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.