Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.