Thank Satan it’s Monday.
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My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Finally!
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.