Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
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Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.