How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
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It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Me, reading some of your tweets