Dietest Coke
You Might Also Like
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”