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When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I gave up going to work for lent.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.