Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
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when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Livid.
What do you hear?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.