Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
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Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either