Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
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ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
went fishing caught a bass
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
this is me
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES