I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
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It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
john wicks are toilet candles
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!