#ParentingFacts
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Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird