INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
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Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.