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*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work