ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
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“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die