My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
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Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed