Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of T_N_Crumpets's best tweets

@T_N_Crumpets : Rival Gang Leader: Me: Rival Gang Leader's mom: [nudges son] go on Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

@T_N_Crumpets: If you were 8 yrs old when "red red wine" was released UB40 now

@T_N_Crumpets: Me: [bursts into wife's meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I'm at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

@T_N_Crumpets: Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

@T_N_Crumpets: Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

@T_N_Crumpets: Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths "not guilty"]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

@T_N_Crumpets: [Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

@T_N_Crumpets: Bartender: YOU'RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say "NO" but it's just lavender scented bubbles]

@T_N_Crumpets: Lady: he's so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he's thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it'd be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

@T_N_Crumpets: [phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I'd like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who's Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*