My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin