I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
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Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Mistakes were made
Bloody internet 😳
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*