Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
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My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse